Generate! 0002: I choose to recite a movie list!

Today, I feel like thoroughly planning out my movie to-sees in that oh so neurotic way that I love.

The list I choose to recite is in effort to remember the movies myself and my friend Kirsten are due to watch.  All thanks to no good school, we haven't had time to catch up on certain essential movies which we plan to watch throughout summer.  Some of them I have slacked on watching, some I have to force onto Kirsten.  Here they are:

• CRANK 2
• THE EVIL DEAD
• THE EVIL DEAD 2
• SLC PUNK
• RHINOCEROS EYES
• HARVEY
• BLUE VELVET
• ERASERHEAD
• BULLY
• FASTER, PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL!
• RESERVOIR DOGS
• FEMALE TROUBLE
• MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL
• KILL BILL VOL. 1
• KILL BILL VOL. 2
• INLAND EMPIRE

Thank you, and good night.

Generate! 0001: You're Gonna Love My Nuts.

Today, I feel like I'm gonna be in a great mood all day because I'm gonna be slapWOW'ing with Vince Shlomi.

Vince Shlomi is simply godlike.  After the ShamWOW revolution, Vince has gained worldwide fandom amongst fans of commercials, quirkiness, absorbency, hooker blood and people who like saying "wow" a lot.  In case the ShamWOW phenomenon has escaped you, allow me to share:

What a classic.  Vince later expanded his advertising career (not before beating a hooker in a cheap motel room) by endorsing the revolutionary SlapChop.  If you are unaware, observe:

Life's hard enough as it is, you don't want to cry anymore.  And without Vince, I'm definitely cryin'.  But seriously you guys, this post is just to let anyone out there know about this guy.  Man, is he entertaining.  I don't think i've ever watched commercials on YouTube for laugh-making purposes.  He's got a great charisma and is pretty badass for breaking the law in so many ways.  Not one of his high points (obviously), but he can be forgiven, because he is the man  who brought us not one, but two wonderful products which would not be nearly as awesome without the magic of Vince on their side.  What a wonderful world we live in, where we can satisfy all our chopping needs, clean residue with ease, and learn of these great products straight from the crooked smile of Vince Shlomi, this blogger's favourite commercial figure.

PS:  I actually bought a ShamWOW, and it's not as bad as you might think.  It kind of feels like craft felt, but it is definitely more absorbent that a dish towel.  And come on, it's ShamWOW.  Completely worth it.

PSS:  While on the topic of famous guys in commercials/infomercials, I must express my remorse for the death of Billy Mays, the face and voice of Oxyclean, and a favourite amongst commercial watchers everywhere.  R.I.P.

My Stuff is Better than Your Stuff 0001: Best Bad Movies Everrr

Today, I feel like everyone should know how much fun bad movies are.

Good movies are great, don't get me wrong.  There are times when there is nothing i'd love more than to have good Heather's sesh accompanied by some mineral water, BQ nuts and hot and horny but realistically low-key love notes.  But one must be at an intellectual peak to truly enjoy such a meaningful and dark film.

Bad movies on the other hand, are great for anytime.  They're stupid enough to not require extensive thought, yet humorous and entertaining...as long as you watch the right ones.  So in order to assist you when craving that cheesy, poorly scripted, terribly acted film of your nightmares, I choose to recite a list! A list of the best bad movies ever!

• THE TERROR What a perfect movie to start off the list!  Back in 1963, Jack Nicholson and Boris Karloff starred in this vile horror flick about a stranded soldier who becomes smitten with a mysterious lady on the island.  He later learns she's been dead for several years and was married to the man who offered him a home, yet continues his amourous pursuit. What's the best thing about this film? It's available at every discount store for around three bucks. Pause Rewind:  The final few seconds of the movie before the words "The End" appear on the screen.  Never have I seen a film close with such nonsensical awesomeness.  

• THE BRAIN THAT WOULDN'T DIE  I actually kind of like this movie in an "it's not such a bad movie" kind of way, but it does deserve to be called a fail.  This 1962 movie centers on a scientist guy whose main squeeze gets decapitated in an accident.  I think that's it...anyways he takes this head to his laboratory, where he hooks it up to a bunch of gizmos to keep the girl alive.  Jan in the pan gets pretty pissed about being stuck in a dish, and at the fact that her boyfriend wants to kill a stripper to replace her no longer useful body.  Meanwhile, the talking head uses a bizarre connection she has with an unseen beast in a locked laboratory door to exact her revenge.  So basically, a lot of stuff that could probably never happen, happens.  Not to mention the guy drugs strippers! Holy crap.  This movie is typically available in those double features with the cheesy 60's horror flick covers, for not too great a cost.  Pause Rewind:  The part where the head is talking to the thing behind the door.  That is cheese in a can right there.

• STARSHIP TROOPERS What a classic bad movie!  Starship Troopers boasts a long list of fairly famous actors, such as Denise Richards of Wild Things and Drop Dead Gorgeous, Neil Patrick Harris, who you probably know as Neil Patrick Harris from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle, and finally, the gorgeous and incomparable Dina Meyer, who you may recognize from the Saw films and as one of Joey's girlfriends on Friends.  The film takes place in a futuristic land where giant insects have become intelligent enough to destroy most of the human race.  Now, instead of enlisting in an army, you may become a trooper who zaps those pesky and unbeatable gnarly looking bugs!  Not to mention you can see people of the opposite sex naked anytime you please, because evidently, humans of the future are a lot less discreet. You can probably buy this film for around 10 bucks at Blockbuster, or if you have the Scream Channel, you may watch it there. It's on all the time.  Pause Rewind:  If you're in the mood for some laughable violence, the part where big and dumb Breckinridge has helmet trouble and consequently gets his head shot off is fir you.  If you're in the mood for something a bit more cheesy, the speech delivered by Zander followed by his brains being sucked out of his head is excellent.  Classic.

• THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU (1996) Okay, for those of you who know me (Danielle, I know you're out there) I'm sure you've heard me rant about how awful this movie is.  And it's true--a horrible portrayal which does a complete injustice to the words of H.G. Wells.  But in all honesty, watching this film is thoroughly entertaining.  Similarly to Starship Troopers, the cast is riddled with well-known's, including Val Kilmer; David Thewlis of the Harry Potter films; Fairuza Balk of The Craft and American History X; Ron Perlman, the voice of many a cartoon character; and of course, Marlon Brando, who won the 1996 Razzie for Worst Supporting Actor for his portrayal of the titular character in this movie.  The film centers around Edward Douglas, who is rescued from Davey Jones' locker, only to be cast onto an island filled with half-man half beast's and some other more human weirdo's like the sadistic Montgomery and the doc.  Why is this movie so awesome? It totally condones bestiality.  I don't care if she's half human, some of Aissa is cat and that means Edward is a perv. Often on at around midnight on those random channels no one ever remembers, but pretty hard to get ahold of otherwise.  To get a hard copy, your best bet would be to rent. Pause Rewind: The moment when Montgomery displays his ferocity by 'snapping the neck' of a stuffed bunny.  Oh, I mean a real bunny.  Alright, sure bud.  Way to spent $3.50 on special effects.

• VAMPIRE'S KISS Nicholas Cage is in this movie.  Need I convince you of it's bad movie status further?  Despite this, the movie is a pretty amusing view.  Watching Cage wander aimlessly through the streets talking to himself whilst he has blood all over his face is reason enough to pick up this unknown gem.  The plot, if you must know it, revolves around a man who, after being bitten by a creature of the night, starts exhibiting some pretty vampiric tendencies.  But, as it turns out, he may not be the bloodsucker he thought he was. You can probably find Vampire's Kiss for under ten dollars at Zellers or Sears, and if not, rent it! Pause Rewind: Must you ask? The cockroach eating scene, of course!

• MONKEYBONE Holy CRAP is this movie weird or what? It begins with a comic book artist named Stu who gets into a car crash and slips into a coma, during which he enters a world 'in limbo', where there's nothing but dreams (or nightmares, I suppose) until you wake up or receive a visit from death.  While his family awaits to pull the plug, Stu tries to get out of this strange universe, and eventually uses an organ donor as a replacement body so that he can heroically save the day, tell the love of his life just how much she means to him, and then, rest in peace.  But trust me, it's a lot weirder.  You see, 'Monkeybone' refers to the monkey featured in Stu's comics, who exists in the dream world, and who steals Stu's actual body to make some money in the real world.  It's not that poor of a film (around 5 out of 10 stars on IMDb), but with a cast like Brendan Fraser, Bridget Fonda, Chris Kattan, John Turturro, Rose McGowan, Dave Foley and Whoopie Goldberg, who needs any other movie? Get it anywhere; it's not as unknown as some of the others on this list. Pause Rewind: The entire introductory cartoon sequence featuring "Monkeybone".  Heavy on the bone.

• GLAM If you don't think Monkeybone quite satisfies your lust for oddity, try Glam.  Scouts honour, I have never seen such a weird-ass movie in my entire life.  And yeah, it's a bit intense and creepy, but believe me, watching it with a group of rowdy friends makes for an excellent time.  Some fairly well known appearances, such as Natasha Gregson Warner of High Fidelity, Frank Whaley from Pulp Fiction and, you know it, Tony Danza, who needs no further introduction. However, the one guy you've got to watch out for is Jon Cryer of Pretty in Pink as a totally rad cokehead! As for the subject matter of this movie...I don't even know.  I think it was made to cause seizures among epileptics and stoners.  Not widely available (what a surprise, since nobody wants it) but I purchased my copy for around 4 dollars at Zellers.  Ah, Zellers.  How Canadian of me. Pause Rewind: The part where William McNamara is schooled by a bald random (played by Ricky Trammell) on going "up there".  Totally trippy and eyebrow-raising.  Another good one is the opening sequence, where William runs around some bales of hay with a squirt gun and a strange lady sticks her face in cake.  Or, the 'sex' scene (pfft, okay) that garnered this film an NC-17 rating.

• TROLL 2 You didn't really think that I would make a best bad movie list and not include Troll 2, did you? I have certainly saved the best for last, because Troll 2 is the epitome of quality film faux pas.  Each moment of viewing this 'horror' flick is brimming with laughs, and each time I re-watch it I nearly piss myself.  With unforgettable lines like "If my father discovers you here, he'd cut off your liiiittle nuts and eat them!" or "They're eating my mom!" and who can forget, "They're eating her...Then they're going to eat me...OH MY GODDDDDDDDD!", this movie is sure to [not] displease. Basically the movie is about a family who runs into a town called Nilbog (get it?) filled with Trolls who transform tourists into half-man half-plant creatures in order to eat them, since they're "the goblins' favourite food".  Oh man.  Best.  Movie.  Ever.  If you only watch one great bad movie in your lifetime, make it this one.  You will not be disappointed.  Well, you will, but in a marvelous way.  This one is also pretty tricky to find, and you may have to shell out 15 bucks, but you'd probably get Troll 1 AND Troll 2 (sweet dealz!) as a double feature. And even if you did not, dood, it would still be totally worth it. Pause Rewind:  Every scene in this movie needs to be watched over and over again, but my two personal favourites have to be the popcorn scene; "Well, I like popcorn..." "We'll just have to...HEAT IT UP!"  and the good guy prevailing scene; "A double-decker bologna sandwich." "AHH! Think about the cholesterol! Think about...THE TOXINS!" Epic.

Thus concludes my list! There are many more good-bad movies out there, but I selected my top selection.  If anybody ever reads this thing and wants to hear more, i'd be glad to write a part two.  Enjoy! 

Rant of the Moment 0001: Yeah, you guys just want to get along.

Today, I feel how much hypocrisy and close-mindedness there is among us.

For crying out loud people.  When someone asks for an explanation on what the platforms of the federal parties of Canada are, please do not throw in your biases as part of your explanation, because that is NOT what was asked of you.  

My civic's course in high school taught me nothing about government or politics or anything else required in order for me to make an informed decision once I would be eligible to vote.  I therefore chose to research on my own, which proved to be a more difficult task than one might assume.  Everyone has their two cents to throw in, about how all conservatives are pro-Bush and evangelical, how all liberals have severe socialist agenda's and power trip, how all NDP's bun tings and only choose NDP because they are uninformed about the other parties, and how the green party are controlling one-track-minded imposers who want everyone to follow through with their lifestyle.  

People, this may be true for some kind of a majority, but not a vast majority.  In the first place, nearly everyone I have ever spoken tends towards more than one party, or cannot decide which party they are most in accordance with.  A friend of mine is a liberal conservative, another is a Green NDP, and another feels that every party has a little something to offer.  I myself have trouble self-categorizing, with some liberal thought (pro-gay marriage) and some conservative thought (personal responsibility).

In the second place, as the world changes, the parties change.  Each new party leader brings with him/her some new thoughts, ideals, and movements, and I don't expect people to always agree with what the leader of "their" party says.  The times, they are a-changin', and we must change with.

I don't suppose this rant has any purpose other than to unload a burden of mine onto the shoulders of internet folk, but I shall post it anyway, for perhaps it may move that one man or woman to think "Perhaps I should stop being such a biased, hateful, and intellectually blind ignoramus."  For serious.

And will someone please explain to the people of yahoo who these parties are?! I do not feel qualified.

Something Coo' 0002: ScatterGREAT

Today, I feel that perhaps the music industry isn't totally shot to hell just yet.

I have just discovered this beautiful Brit named Polly Scattergood, whose music is breathtaking and whose name is a real one.  

I was collecting my free tracks on iTunes from my Starbucks cards and the Pick of the Week when I saw Polly's song I Hate the Way.  Naturally the title gave me an emo vibe, but after downloading, I found that the genre was in fact alternative.  So I took a quick listen, and once the first words of the song rang from my penny sized laptop speakers, my breath seriously escaped me, and I felt surreal for just a moment.

The sound was ethereal, haunting, and dark in a summery sort of way...if that makes any sense.  I was planning on taking a quick listen and then shutting it off, but I couldn't bring myself to press pause.  The lyrics are sung passionately, and the words clearly mean something to the singer.  The quirkiness of this artist is so enticing.  The roll off your tongue Bunny Club, belt it out Nitrogen Pink, listen when blue Poem Song and of course, the ballad stylings of I Hate the Way are now among my favourite tunes.

I plan on purchasing the album and listening to it over and over.  I am so happy that the world has not run dry on talent just yet.  After the recent popularity of the Jo Bros, I was beginning to lose hope.  Check her out, she is definitely worth it.  I hope to see much more of this stunning artist very soon.

Something Coo' 0001: Kenny and Spenny

Today, I feel like going on and on about a local television show that I adore.

Us Canadians, being the slightly less well-known and culturally apt country of North America, tend to be unhealthily proud of anything remotely Canadian. (Did you know Dan Aykroyd is Canadian? Oh, we did. We ALL did.) And I must say that I am another great endorser of all things Canuck (Pamela Anderson is Canadian. Did ya know that? DID YA?!).  In the spirit of this patriotism, I must proclaim my love for a Toronto based television show that never fails to make me laugh, gasp, and gag in pure entertainment.  You guessed it (oh no you didn't)

It's Kenny vs. Spenny! 

This show is pure comedic gold. The manipulative meanness of Kenny paired with the naive dorkiness of Spenny creates a hilarious balance that I and many others thoroughly enjoy.  It's the type of show that appeals to an audience that is typically shunned by the television community.  It sort of embodies a South Park type of humour, mixed with a reality television feel, minus the cheesiness so often accompanied with shows of that nature.  It's great for a boring Sunday morning, or even a drunken Saturday night.  

Whether it is an embarrassed and violated Spenny who loses, a pissed-off and slightly shocked Kenny who goes through humilatiation, or a surprising double-whammy of each of the competitors being assaulted by the crew, the episodes are funny, mind-blowing, and sometimes cause you to want to hurl--in a good way.  

Kenny vs. Spenny is definitely one of my top 10 favourite television shows.  With gross humour, clever manipulation and unusual circumstances, the show is packed with everything you want from true comedy.  Watch it--it'll completely turn around your opinion of Canadian TV. 

That being said...this show is definitely not for the faint of heart.

Wonderingments 0001: Not Batman, Just Robin

Today, I feel off to the right, and at an angle.

You know when you see the cover of the summers hottest new slasher flick, or the wallpaper in the download section of a popular TV show's website, and you see the characters lined up in a sort of inverted triangle, with the gorgeous main character shining in the front, with some of her backup, best friends and supporting cast at either side?  Oh, how I feel on the side today.

The leading lady/man is typically a more quiet, sweet and artistic individual, who at some point has the feelings for some similarly beautiful character, with whom the main eventually experiences some inkling of romance.  The main character's best friend is often a blonde or an african-american who is funny, interesting, and totally badass, who everybody watching the movie loves, but doesn't give nearly as much attention to as the main.  Sure, there are exceptions to the rule, like the golden locks of lead role Cher from Clueless, or the brunette do of supporting character Angela from Bones, but the formula is basically the same, and the status of standing outside of the limelight is not very exciting.

Sure, Louis Booker was the more enjoyable best friend in Kangaroo Jack, but he certainly isn't getting the girl in the end of the movie.  Nor does he really appear to be part of the story, as he isn't narrating or highlighted in the movie as is Charlie Carbone. 

I hope to be the main character someday.  If any of you also feel as though, despite being the funny, quirky and likable one in the group, you are simply the supporting cast, just a person who adds some flavour to the life of another, then post it.  Tell your story.  Be the narrator of your life and take a second to be the leading lady or the leading man.  I know I want to.